he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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