I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
