thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
