If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
