ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
