I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
