I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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