My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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