nut hugger
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
