i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
