forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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