well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
