Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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