Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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