yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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