and you said cock pushups were impossible
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
