how can u be prego again
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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