I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
