I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
