2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
