My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
my liver is dry heaving
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
