if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Soap is not a condiment
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
