so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
