that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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