Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
