a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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