Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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