i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
