he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
