Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
