I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
