is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
only if we run a train.
done.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
