hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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