thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
