you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
