Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
