We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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