it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
