i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
