you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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