like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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