Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
