yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
