just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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