is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
