I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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