i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
