know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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