I cut my penus on the lid.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
