went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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