Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
